How To Be A School Bully in 5 Easy Steps

"What have I been up to for more than a year now?"

Well, I’ve been living life like everyone out there in their mid-20s, but… 

Bullying. Needs no definition because we’ve all been involved somehow - as silent onlookers, as perpetrators, or as unfortunate victims. And if you went to school in Nigeria, you will probably start wondering if what you suffered at the hands of Senior Lagbaja can also be called bullying. Dearest, I have bad news for you.

While getting the testimony of an old classmate for this story, he said, “Nobody fit bully you now. Everyone loved you.” Being a favourite of many teachers comes with several perks, including never getting a second look from school bullies.

Actually, scratch that.

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As a means of decluttering, I've been re-watching old K-dramas, and one of the dramas I watched from this list is Strong Woman Bong Soon, a romcom about an ultra-strong woman and a man who meets the woman who saved him. While I was not very fond of the second male lead’s acting, he went on to snag leading roles after this drama. But in 2021, his personal life took a sharp downward turn when he was accused of school bullying and assault during his high school days. Koreans are notoriously critical of bullying allegations, and they have the right to be; so in a matter of days, this young actor was cancelled and pulled off from everything that had his face on it. Proportionate response? I vote yes.

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I certainly did not classify it as bullying when it happened because it was an isolated incident, but imagine you’re a 12-year-old who got invited by her friend’s mother to their home to be threatened with expulsion from school for an issue that happened between you and your friend in school while you wept profusely in front of their entire family…including your friend. You then go on to become even more introverted for fear of saying the wrong thing during break time so that you don't get another home invitation.

Experts say that it has to be a repeated behaviour for it to be called bullying, and while I am no expert, I agree with those who believe that isolated incidents that lead to a change in the victim's behaviour, especially if committed by a person of higher authority/power, can also be called bullying.

Whether it was a five-word backhanded compliment from my classmate’s mother that made me question my own abilities, threats of physical abuse that actually got my mother to speak up (my parents detest school drama) or even a threat of getting the school to expel me (LMAO at my J.S.S 1 self that fell for this one), my secondary school days were not short of dramatic moments such as these. 

But these are not the bullying incidents I wish to talk about in this story. I have the highest disregard for adults who prey on children because they can get away with it. Hence, the adults in these stories that will remain untold [for public consumption] will remain as irrelevant as a snowplough in the Sahara.

From schools to workplaces to the government, bullying is ingrained in Nigerian institutions and worldwide. I single out Nigeria because, one, I am most familiar with our systems, and, bullies here face no consequences. If anything, they go on to become respected members of the community.

So, if you’re a Nigerian or a foreigner intending to live in Nigeria and school bullying sounds like something you’d be interested in, here are five tips to becoming (or raising) a successful one. If your goal is to be able to recognize one, please take a seat, as well.

1.  Have a larger body surface area than your peers like Senior S, who, despite her humble upbringing, serenades herself with the tears of her juniors. You don’t need to have a heart of compassion. Heck, what even is that? All you need is a body mass enough to compensate for your lack of compassion and respect for others' agency. Don’t worry about the consequences either. You’d have made enough friends in the senior classes because of your size, so they will tend to overlook, and if you’re lucky enough, cheer you on as you cackle like a witch in the night while your victim whimpers under their breath. The trick is to not overdo it so that your school - which is usually passive about bullying reports - will not finally take up your case after you abused the daughter of a well-to-do family.

2. Be the Hostel/Dormitory prefect like Senior A. People say karma is a farce used to keep poor people in check, but if there is someone I wish would have a taste of their own medicine, it would be this person. A girl who looked quiet on the outside with strong religiosity was one of the most feared seniors in my secondary school. And there you have it, be soft-spoken only when you’re not chewing your juniors out in the most sinister voice from your laryngeal arsenal. It is also important to be religious and ensure that your uniform is always ironed to the crisp, because…impressions matter. If you now come from a rich family, your juniors’ mental health will easily be your palanquin.

3. Be born to parents who will tolerate your shenanigans and be ready to raze the school building down if their wish is not done. I’ve seen several crazy scenes in my 26 years of living - and I mean a huge number - yet none of them will make little sense to me as when a parent turns a school building into a circus. Parenting is hard, according to those who have been, and I agree. Otherwise, how else do you convince your teenage children to not emulate you as you march to their school to threaten not only their fellow students but also the school principal? How do you explain to your toddler that mummy is simply defending her teenage kids, who, by the way, are just like mummy in school? It must be difficult.

Bullies do not drop from the sky. They saw these awful behaviours somewhere, either because they were also bullied or because they watched it happen in their homes. However, this is not a pass to unleash terror on others. Like I said to my friend (and editor), we all have our stories, and your story should not be a reason why I am constantly terrified of stepping onto the school premises. Imagine what the world would be like if we all listened to the silent demon inside us? 

4. Choose your victims wisely, or else it may turn into a case of bullying gone wrong. You don't want all that mess and unnecessary attention, do you? 

The tweet that inspired this story asked for people to call out their bullies, but I quoted instead, “Hard to be bullied when you’re a teachers' favourite😊.” 

Unless you wish to be like Senior D, don’t bully a student that the school authorities adore. If you don’t believe this, hear me out.

I currently measure a grand total of 157cm with sneakers on, and I’m 26. Nine years ago when I was a high school senior, I measured way less than this, and rather than “short”, I preferred to use “petite” to describe myself. It is fancier.

There was no year in secondary school when I wasn't the smallest in my class in terms of size. Perfect prey, yes? Not in my case. I refused it with every centimetre of my surface area. Of course, I was no match for the adults (heck, I mention them again). Now despite being favoured by the school authorities, I did not ride on the back of this privilege to be insolent to my seniors (at least I hope) or be a subject of terror to my subordinates. My build wouldn’t allow for that anyway.

I had a loud mouth - according to my classmates - but I generally chose the side of peace when I had to deal with other students. Just like I did on the sunny afternoon that this incident occurred.

It was one of those afternoons of extracurricular activities, probably a Wednesday, and as usual, I’d find out late because I was either locked away in the Chemistry or Physics lab or in the school Counsellor’s office. Everyone called the counsellor my school mom. She was indeed. I quietly joined the rest of the school on the assembly ground and shared a seat with someone in the last row. I don’t remember what the event was because I could barely hear the speaker from where I was sitting. I patiently waited for it to end so I could go back to my hideout. 

As soon as we were signalled to leave, I took hurried steps before the gate that demarcated the main school building and the event ground became crowded with students forcing their way out with chairs. And just as I took the first step out of the gate, I was stopped in my tracks by an infamous senior student who, unfortunately, was also a prefect. This combination gave him a ginormous power over students which was undoubtedly intoxicating. He would regret stopping me some twenty minutes later.

My offence was that I did not leave the grounds with a chair. Every effort to explain to Senior D that I did not come to the grounds with a chair, and thus I’m not supposed to leave with one, fell on deaf ears. This back and forth ended with the dreaded “kneel down there”, which, surprisingly, I complied with. I told you, I always choose peace.

But this was an unusual sight - that I would be punished solely, and more so, by a senior student, so whoever cared to ask, did as they passed by. I don’t remember what I said to others, but apparently, what I particularly said to my friend woke the dragon in Senior D.

My friend: What happened? Who punished you?

Me: Is it not that one? I gestured in his direction with my head and kissed my teeth. 

He would then march towards me, roaring and repeating the same thing until he launched a resounding slap on my right cheek! At that moment, he lost the right to keep me in the same kneeling position.

Counsellor was a level-headed woman. She would have called him to her office and chastised him on how it was wrong to hit others, and afterwards, tell me that I should have just picked a chair and let it go. So, I wasn’t expecting much when I stormed off to her office with tears in my eyes. What I did not expect was to find the French teacher, Mr. K in her office, who, at the sight of me, went berserk. Mr. K dragged me by my hand to the crime scene.

Mr. K spoke little English, so if you weren’t speaking French, you had to be patient. Senior D, being the hot-headed person that he was, got this memo too late as Mr K rained slaps on him as his girlfriend watched in the distance, absolutely stunned. If there were only a few students around when he slapped me once, a quarter of the school had now gathered to see the almighty Senior D being hit on his senior cheeks several times at once.

How satisfying!

5. Make sure you're at the bottom position in the class or close enough that you barely know what's going on at the top. This one is essential - if you’re at the top of the class, the teacher’s attention will be on you; you will be too busy competing for the top positions in the class. You need time to execute the evil thoughts in your tiny heart. Hence, the importance of this tip.

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Bullies go on to become parents, bosses, and even heads of religious centres. They parade as changed people and want you to believe so. And while I believe that change is a constant phenomenon and humans can metamorphose into a different version of themselves, people never truly change. They just need the right amount of triggers. The difference is in how and to whom this innate vileness is channelled.

Thus, if you meet your bully years later, it is okay to believe that they are a changed person. It is also okay if you believe that they are still the same person. It is even okay if you call them out on a Twitter thread. 

What is not okay is continuing that cycle of bullying. Let it end with you.

We’ve talked about the bullies, now what about the victims? A Nigerian OAP, narrating her own experience, said she saw her bully at a cinema and she broke in a cold sweat. A full-grown adult woman was sweating at the sight of a person who tormented her nothing less than 15 years ago!

We're quick to tell the victims of school bullying to forgive and move on. But is it really a walk in the park to move on? Watch Glory on Netflix and let me know what you see.

Finally, who are the parents raising these bullies? Parents who condone bullying. It is not rocket science. 

Growing up amidst incidents of domestic violence undeniably affects a child's psyche and they sometimes carry this to school. It is the responsibility of parents to create a safe environment for their children, because as difficult as it is to get your child to listen to you, parents should be more worried about what their child is watching them do.

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Bullying, especially in a Nigerian setting where authorities are passive, is complex, and potential solutions can go from simply empathizing with victims without dismissing their feelings, to implementing anti-bullying programs in schools. The latter may seem far-fetched given the ingrained complacency in our institutions, but we’re doomed if we don’t try whilst the bullying culture continues to thrive from generation to generation.

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If you’re reading this and have ever been a victim of bullying, you’re more than that horrible experience.❤️

“So, let the words dance with wit and take the reader on a journey through the lens of humour.”